STILL not skinny

I did however do two things of note in the Make Him Sorry category.

1)  I got 3 tattoos.  I love them, and they are beautiful.  All the babies’ birthdays down my left scapula, elegant black script.  Delicate portion of my wedding vow renewal on the right inner arm (OWW) and yesterday, heavy dark latin phrase down the center of the spine that says aut viam inveniam aut faciam which translates, “I will either find a way or make one.”  And I love them.

2)  i did stay on the 21 day fix for 4 days in a row.  And I did feel better.  increased the water a little bit and felt really good.  have taken enough pictures to stay consistently motivated (lots of pics of the fat rolls and cellulite, ack) AND I worked out once and was a little sore.  And that felt good, too.  And a little light bulb flickered above my head that said “oh!  you have to be rewarded by different things.”  which does NOT mean finding alternative activities that make you hit the same old reward pathways.  But it means to lay down new reward pathways that, yes, feel different, but still feel good.  water felt good, being sore felt good.  Feeling less drag from all those carbs felt good.  reward.

SO then I immediately began some self-sabotage which undid my gains.  hmph.  lots of emotional crap there.  worthiness, competence, hiding, who the hell knows.  gotta change those reward pathways too.

January 31, 2015

At my God-forsaken mother’s house.  with sharon, my mother, my sister, and my son, who happens to still be mad at me for jumping on his sister’s trumpet case.  And we are making breakfast at 11:00 am.  I am trying to make a version of Sharon’s shrimp seviche on a bed of spring greens, with bacon.  And Sharon is complaining that I am taking too long, and that she wants to eat breakfast before noon, thank you very much, and can I knock it the hell off already. And Denise is rolling her eyes at me, Mark is complaining that he doesn’t want this, and my mother is bitching that I am not counting out all the shrimp evenly and that she is being intentionally slighted.  I start to feel like I did when I was a kid;  like I could stop talking in the middle of a sentence and none would notice;  that I could, in fact, leave the room and none would notice that either.